As I am sitting here – well, sitting wouldn't be exactly the right expression to picture my actual way of being in front of the pc at the moment – I am thinking back at the hassle I just had these last few weeks. The doubts about my work in general and quite particularly here… it has been a terrible drag. Emotionally as physically since my sleeping pattern took a bad turn.
I had my talk on wednesday and it went ok. Everybody thought it was brilliant, like I said. But I can't believe that really. It was ok. Nothing more. The handouts with all the quantitave tables and stuff impressed all of them. Of course. Thank you for everybody that held their fingers crossed for me. So, that dreaded deadline is done and I am off to the next one, as it is my nature. Articles, researching and writing… business as usual.
So the doubts have moved to the background once again, never quite leaving me. Of course I was told again that they are normal. And I guess they are, especially for me. Second nature in a way. But the doubt felt different this time. Not so much like a quick moment of faltering, of losing step or being supsended before the next moment. It felt more like a complete freeze up in front of the headlights. And I've started thinking about the next step after the PhD. Maybe for the first time, I am not sure of having the next step in me. Maybe there will not be any next step. Maybe I have come to the end of this path. To the end of the dragging. To the end of my wits. Who knows?
All I know is that I am tired all day, lying down all day because of my strained back that put me to bed since yesterday. I am not fit to go anywhere or do anything really and the meds are wearing me down of course. We'll see how the next days go… if it plays out as usual, I might need to get home and see the doc. But, since he does neither have Eugene Roe/Shane Taylor's looks nor that nice little preoccupied wrinkling on his forehead, I am not that tempted by a five hour train ride at the moment…
"So smile through your days…"
Music of the Moment: Leona Naess
I'm thinking of updating my Arthur story… since Stephane 'The Charmer' Lambiel won the first Swiss Gold Medal in Figure Skating since 57 years on the 'King Arthur' OST [damn, and I have not seen it... you can see his KA outfit in this last link and this wonderful smile of his.] I really should think about the next plot scheme. Stephane, this next chapter will be for you Dear!
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