The worst thing is actually to being an entry… *smiles* Can or should you start every single entry with an 'I was wondering…' or 'I thought…' as if anybody actually cared? As if anybody actually would listen? It goes with the situation, I guess. It's an illusion you have to construct to eventually write something… anything. And here I am talking on the metalevel again. Although it's something I don't like doing. Narcistic wounds and all…
Nevertheless, I was wondering today how sometimes we're visitied by old feelings we once coveted, experienced and then somehow lost. Or the feelings that we knew and that come back to haunt us.
I have no idea why, but I feel lost somehow. Like I was wandering through some wood and then lost my way. Broken even. Maybe it's a simple case of exhaustion and loneliness, maybe I am just being weary of myself. Maybe I am listening to myself too much or not enough. Who knows.
Maybe it's the prospect of moving again. Wherever I go, as soon as I get settled I need to move off again. I just wish I could stay some years in one place without knowing when I'll move on. Thinking of which, it recalls me the image of Paolo and Francesca da Rimini in Dante's inferno… condemned to ever move on and never settle down to cherish what they've got.
It's like being suspended in nothingness. Being drawn to things but never being able to sit down and actually contemplate them.
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You feel lost. And explained very well how come. Living the life of a gipsy does’t give you enough solid ground underneath you feet. Leaving you restless.
I feel stuck. Too much solid ground underneath my feet. Without many options to ‘break out’ and discover new horizons. Leaving me restless as well.
It’s time to (ex)change.